This weekend was a big eye opener for me. It was a relaxing weekend….too relaxing. I did walk a lot on Saturday but other than that my butt was parked on the couch for most of the weekend. My eating habits weren’t great either.
I was so surprised by how strong my desire was to eat something bad when I was upset this weekend. I would tell myself no, but the desire would still be there, loud as ever. It got me thinking of the past.
For as long as I can remember, I have been ‘fat.’ At least that’s what the stick-figure girls of my childhood would call me. I can remember visiting my aunt and uncles house as a child (I’m talking like maybe 6, 7 years old) and this girl I didn’t even know saw me and asked my why I was so fat. It still hurts to think about. How could I control whether or not I was ‘fat’ at that age? My parents didn’t have the money to afford good, healthy food. That was just the way it was.
Enter into the end of elementary school / beginning of middle school: I was involved in community theater. I was actually good, receiving lots of comments for my easy of script reading and ability to memorize my parts early. A year after joining a group that was not so affectionately known as the ‘preps’ joined. These were the girls who had everything: super skinny, beautiful, expensive clothes. To sum it up, they had everything I didn’t. I remember one night specifically. I remember being in the hallway, waiting for my scene rehearsal when I heard them laughing. As they walked away I approached of the girls that was supposed to me friend and asked what was so funny. She told me that they were laughing at me. That my butt jiggled like jello. I was devastated.
These two events set in motion an entire childhood plagued by feeling fat and worthless. There would other times that these ‘popular’ people would remind me that I wasn’t good enough. I was not wanted anywhere. I think that is where this all started. To this day I struggle with self image and emotional eating. I feel as though I will never fit in. It is hard to open up to people I know, because I feel unimportant.
This weekend was a bust, but it forced me to remember these difficult times I had as a child, and how they’ve carried through to adult life. I feel like the tough part is still ahead of me, but I have no idea how to overcome it.
I guess that’s part of the journey to becoming a healthy person.
When I try to eat better and be more mindful of how I’m feeling, I usually do really well…..until it’s dinner time. I’ve always struggled with late night snacking and eating way too much when I’m watching something. I really concentrated on eating when I was only hungry last night…. and the scale showed a 2 pound loss! I am very happy to see that, and I believe it gives me enough motivation to make it through today.
Yesterday I went out and bought a notebook to keep track of my calorie intake. I used a notebook the last time and it was very good to see everything in a simple math form. I guess that’s just the engineer in me lol.
Speaking of engineer: I am a Biomedical Engineer and I’m living in the state capital of Indiana and I still can’t find a job! I am so frustrated to have spent years going to school and spending thousands of dollars just to not get a job! I feel like such a failure, applying for all these jobs with all of the prospects falling through. It just breaks my heart.
Ugh….so it’s official. First snowfall in Indiana.
And my apartment is a hot ripe temperature of 63°F. I really don’t like the winter weather if you can’t already tell. It’s pretty, and fun to play in. It just sucks driving in the raging snowstorms that follow.
So….I got on the scale this morning. I was so devastated by the number I saw on the screen. 197 pounds. How did I let myself go like this? After the months of hard work and exercise I put in. I threw it all away in two years.
Laying in bed last night, I confessed to the husband how much I weighed and how unhappy I am with myself. Let me state know that my husband is an amazing man. He has always loved me no matter what I weighed or how I look. We’ve been through a lot together since we first started dating. My problem is that once we started dating I knew he didn’t really like to exercise, so I cut back. Then I had major knee surgery and I’ve never fully recovered.
Running used to be my favorite thing of all time. I can’t tell you enough of how much I loved running. When I quit soccer before my senior year of college I pursued running like it was the one thing I’d ever want to do. I have never been fast, I have never been good. That doesn’t matter to me anymore. I want so badly to run without the screws in my leg hurting. I want to run another half marathon and many more 5Ks/10Ks.
When I decided to drop the weight last time I got serious. I tracked everything I ate and worked out almost every day. These days I struggle greatly with both (obviously.) I’m nothing like the person I used to be. In some ways that’s good, but not when it comes to being healthy. These days I overindulge in all kinds of bad foods. The husband told me last night that if I made it to 150 pounds, then he would drop to 180. This was wonderful news considering how unhealthy we both are. So with a little more motivation, hopefully I can stay on track and make my goal.
For anyone who is reading this out there, what are your tips? Have you ever overcome serious injury/surgery to get back into sports? I’d love to hear about it!
Finally! A blog that won’t send out updates to everyone I know whenever I hit publish. I’m hoping to use this blog to help motivate me to lose weight and regain the healthy lifestyle I once had, without dramatically announcing each post to anyone I’ve ever known.
After making it to 155 before my 21st birthday I never thought I’d end up back here. Two surgeries, one bachelors degree, a husband, and two years later here I am. Topping the scale right where I was when I first started my journey, 190 pounds. My desire to exercise greatly diminished from my new habit of being extremely lazy in addition to my knee problems and great love for anything chocolate or carb related has set me back greatly. Now is not the time to let it get any worse. In transition between jobs it is the perfect time to lose some weight and regain my super powers once again.
The question is how. How to do this with my inability to run footloose and fancy free? With a tight budget that cannot afford a gym membership? How do I put these into effect with a husband who does not like anything related to eating healthy or exercise?
I guess that’s what this is all about…..
Until next time! Stay tuned for more adventures of Helium Girl! dun dun dun daaaa